pyite32
03-05-2009, 08:51 AM
This is a joke.
Bart Scott Vows To Bring Much-Needed Yelling To Jets Defense
NEW YORK--Newly-signed linebacker Bart Scott held a press conference on Monday in which he promised to bring much-needed yelling to the Jets defense. In the past, Scott said, Jets defenses were woefully lacking in the area of screamed obscenities, a key ingredient to the Ravens success in recent years.
“I can guarantee you one thing,” Scott told a group of reporters. “This defense is going to be a lot louder. We will yell more than in years past. We will curse like crazy. We will shout things at ball carriers after tackling them. Check this out: AAAAARGHHHH! FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!! YEAAAARGGHGH! See how scary that was? If you were a ball carrier you’d be running off the field right now to your mommy. And we would be chasing you, screaming in your ears all the way into the locker room. That’s how annoying we’re going to be.”
Scott then issued a warning to all the teams in the AFC East: this is not your daddy’s Jets defense.
“Teams in this division are used to the Jets defense being a bunch of pussies and homos,” said Scott. “Well those days are over. We are going to be the yellingest, shoutingest bunch of screaming vulgarians this division has ever seen. Will this help us win a Super Bowl? Yes. I expect us to win at least five games via forfeit and about eight more through sheer intimidation. That's right, this isn’t your daddy’s Jets defense - unless you’re Rex Ryan’s kid, in which case I’m terribly sorry and I hope you recover some day.”
Ryan is in the midst of remaking the Jets defense in the image of the dominant Ravens defenses that he coached over the past several years. Along with Scott, Ryan has also signed safety Jim Leonard, a standout performer from last year’s unit.
Scott is already calling the new Jets defense, “Baltimore North.”
“We are modeling ourselves after the Ravens defense and that is a good thing,” said Scott. “For the past several years, Ravens defense has been synonymous with ass kicking, mouth-punching, colon-stomping, and other forms of bad assery. That’s why our opponents were constantly shrinking away in fear from us, except for the several that defeated us. Those were the offense’s fault, though. At times I think even they were too intimidated by us to do their jobs.”
The Jets AFC East rivals are paying close attention to their offseason moves. One player, who asked not to be identified, admitted to being “terrified” by the new-look Jets and called the threats issued by Ryan and Scott “chilling.”
“Wow, that was chilling,” the player said after watching Scott’s press conference. “They’re going to yell and scream a lot? They’re going to be violent? They’re going to be aggressive? Oh my God. What are we going to do? The party’s over. We won't have the Jets to kick around anymore. I just hope, for my sake and my family’s sake, that Bart goes easy on me and doesn’t kill me or anything. I don’t want to die on a football field with that obnoxious blowhard spraying spittle in my face.”
Bart Scott Vows To Bring Much-Needed Yelling To Jets Defense
NEW YORK--Newly-signed linebacker Bart Scott held a press conference on Monday in which he promised to bring much-needed yelling to the Jets defense. In the past, Scott said, Jets defenses were woefully lacking in the area of screamed obscenities, a key ingredient to the Ravens success in recent years.
“I can guarantee you one thing,” Scott told a group of reporters. “This defense is going to be a lot louder. We will yell more than in years past. We will curse like crazy. We will shout things at ball carriers after tackling them. Check this out: AAAAARGHHHH! FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!! YEAAAARGGHGH! See how scary that was? If you were a ball carrier you’d be running off the field right now to your mommy. And we would be chasing you, screaming in your ears all the way into the locker room. That’s how annoying we’re going to be.”
Scott then issued a warning to all the teams in the AFC East: this is not your daddy’s Jets defense.
“Teams in this division are used to the Jets defense being a bunch of pussies and homos,” said Scott. “Well those days are over. We are going to be the yellingest, shoutingest bunch of screaming vulgarians this division has ever seen. Will this help us win a Super Bowl? Yes. I expect us to win at least five games via forfeit and about eight more through sheer intimidation. That's right, this isn’t your daddy’s Jets defense - unless you’re Rex Ryan’s kid, in which case I’m terribly sorry and I hope you recover some day.”
Ryan is in the midst of remaking the Jets defense in the image of the dominant Ravens defenses that he coached over the past several years. Along with Scott, Ryan has also signed safety Jim Leonard, a standout performer from last year’s unit.
Scott is already calling the new Jets defense, “Baltimore North.”
“We are modeling ourselves after the Ravens defense and that is a good thing,” said Scott. “For the past several years, Ravens defense has been synonymous with ass kicking, mouth-punching, colon-stomping, and other forms of bad assery. That’s why our opponents were constantly shrinking away in fear from us, except for the several that defeated us. Those were the offense’s fault, though. At times I think even they were too intimidated by us to do their jobs.”
The Jets AFC East rivals are paying close attention to their offseason moves. One player, who asked not to be identified, admitted to being “terrified” by the new-look Jets and called the threats issued by Ryan and Scott “chilling.”
“Wow, that was chilling,” the player said after watching Scott’s press conference. “They’re going to yell and scream a lot? They’re going to be violent? They’re going to be aggressive? Oh my God. What are we going to do? The party’s over. We won't have the Jets to kick around anymore. I just hope, for my sake and my family’s sake, that Bart goes easy on me and doesn’t kill me or anything. I don’t want to die on a football field with that obnoxious blowhard spraying spittle in my face.”