darb72
01-18-2010, 02:45 AM
Raven-itis.
This affliction only strikes those who work or cheer for the NFL franchise, the Baltimore Ravens, but two distinct strands of this virus have been discovered, one affecting both groups.
The first part of the report deals with the workers for the Ravens;
1- An inability to register the passage of time:
This is most telling inside of two minutes of a Raven's game. Scientist have speculated that the coaches are somehow convinced that time comes to a complete stand still in these situations. A recent experiment involving drunken circus monkeys seem to support this hypthosis. The monkeys were given large quantites of alcohol and then asked to choose between two basic plays. Throw, or run. The monkeys chose to pass 53% of the time, marking their choice by urinating on the paper they thought prettier. The coaches were given the same two choices but without the alcohol and picked pass 48% of the time. However, when a timer was introduced with a count down of two minutes, the coaches invariably chose to run.
2- Inability to process information earlier learned:
This strikes more in the front office of the Ravens, particularly their ability to develop a WR. Again, drunken circus monkeys were brought in as the control for an experiment. Scientist got a monkey hammered and gave him the task of throwing a ball at two targets, one being another drunken monkey, the other being Travis Taylor. Scientist were not shocked that the drunken circus monkey started throwing the ball to the other monkey more often due to to the time it took Travis to go find the ball after it hit the ground. When the Raven's FO was introduced to the same experiment, they completely forgot to throw the ball because we left the timer in there. Once that distraction was out of the way, Ozzie Newsome and John Harbaugh exclaimed to Travis Taylor that he would be suiting up and playing in place of Derrick Mason due to his former first round draft status. Meanwhile the two monkeys were happily playing catch after sobering up a bit. Scientist feel they have proven that drunken circus monkeys are better at finding receivers than those striken with Raven-itis. And that Travis still can't catch for shit.
3- Inability to delay satisfaction. To the point, Raven's coaches love calling time-outs early in the halves of their games. This was a hotly debated topic among the top scientists, PurpleGuy, PSU, Stinger and Darb. (T supplied the alcohol so we let him join). Stinger suggested that Raven's coaches were idiots. Purpleguy suggested that it was poor coaching that led to the necessary usage of the timeouts. PSU suggested both of them cram it cause he was right while Darb was trying to wake up T who had passed out with the monkeys. Realizing the monkeys were now useless, PurpleGuy, Stinger and PSU sent Darb out to find two Steeler fans due to the fact it's easier to spray the smell out of the bed of a pickup than a car. Darb returned with what was presumably a male and female Steelers fan. The facial hair and crotch hiding stomach bulge made the determination of their true sexes both impossible and disturbing.
The experiment was simple. If the Steeler fans could avoid waving their piss stained underwear for five minutes, the scientist would give them a cookie. After five minutes of the replacement monkeys sitting there chittering in a strange language which mostly consisted of grunts and a strange "you'ins" sound, scientist gave them a cookie and a much needed shower. Scientist then brought in John Harbaugh, head coach of the Baltmore Ravens and explained that if he could keep from calling a timeout for one minute, he would get a cookie. Harbaugh failed the task miserably, making a TO motion with his hands less than 15 seconds into the conversation and grinning, ironically, like a drunken circus monkey.
This affliction only strikes those who work or cheer for the NFL franchise, the Baltimore Ravens, but two distinct strands of this virus have been discovered, one affecting both groups.
The first part of the report deals with the workers for the Ravens;
1- An inability to register the passage of time:
This is most telling inside of two minutes of a Raven's game. Scientist have speculated that the coaches are somehow convinced that time comes to a complete stand still in these situations. A recent experiment involving drunken circus monkeys seem to support this hypthosis. The monkeys were given large quantites of alcohol and then asked to choose between two basic plays. Throw, or run. The monkeys chose to pass 53% of the time, marking their choice by urinating on the paper they thought prettier. The coaches were given the same two choices but without the alcohol and picked pass 48% of the time. However, when a timer was introduced with a count down of two minutes, the coaches invariably chose to run.
2- Inability to process information earlier learned:
This strikes more in the front office of the Ravens, particularly their ability to develop a WR. Again, drunken circus monkeys were brought in as the control for an experiment. Scientist got a monkey hammered and gave him the task of throwing a ball at two targets, one being another drunken monkey, the other being Travis Taylor. Scientist were not shocked that the drunken circus monkey started throwing the ball to the other monkey more often due to to the time it took Travis to go find the ball after it hit the ground. When the Raven's FO was introduced to the same experiment, they completely forgot to throw the ball because we left the timer in there. Once that distraction was out of the way, Ozzie Newsome and John Harbaugh exclaimed to Travis Taylor that he would be suiting up and playing in place of Derrick Mason due to his former first round draft status. Meanwhile the two monkeys were happily playing catch after sobering up a bit. Scientist feel they have proven that drunken circus monkeys are better at finding receivers than those striken with Raven-itis. And that Travis still can't catch for shit.
3- Inability to delay satisfaction. To the point, Raven's coaches love calling time-outs early in the halves of their games. This was a hotly debated topic among the top scientists, PurpleGuy, PSU, Stinger and Darb. (T supplied the alcohol so we let him join). Stinger suggested that Raven's coaches were idiots. Purpleguy suggested that it was poor coaching that led to the necessary usage of the timeouts. PSU suggested both of them cram it cause he was right while Darb was trying to wake up T who had passed out with the monkeys. Realizing the monkeys were now useless, PurpleGuy, Stinger and PSU sent Darb out to find two Steeler fans due to the fact it's easier to spray the smell out of the bed of a pickup than a car. Darb returned with what was presumably a male and female Steelers fan. The facial hair and crotch hiding stomach bulge made the determination of their true sexes both impossible and disturbing.
The experiment was simple. If the Steeler fans could avoid waving their piss stained underwear for five minutes, the scientist would give them a cookie. After five minutes of the replacement monkeys sitting there chittering in a strange language which mostly consisted of grunts and a strange "you'ins" sound, scientist gave them a cookie and a much needed shower. Scientist then brought in John Harbaugh, head coach of the Baltmore Ravens and explained that if he could keep from calling a timeout for one minute, he would get a cookie. Harbaugh failed the task miserably, making a TO motion with his hands less than 15 seconds into the conversation and grinning, ironically, like a drunken circus monkey.